One Wiccan's Thoughts on it All

some better

2011-07-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Things are some better...although, the migraine pain comes and goes...one of the things that makes it so unbearable is the attitude people give you with it. Like it makes you weak or something just because you have a condition that is beyond your control. awful. Anyway, I feel some better and am taking it one day at time. Im going to talk to my dr about options and see what he says.
Thank you to everyone who has expressed love and concern towards me...I really appreciate it. I am still trying to learn to navigate around blogger.com. Some of it confuses me lol
Blessings
Alex )O(

Uprooted

2011-05-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's day...and I miss my mother. I don't talk about it a lot because it would merely upset everyone around me but I really miss her. So its been a very sad day for me. Its actually been a rough period for me here in my life, mostly because of the constant pain I live in from the migraine disorder...I don't know what else to try. Some days, I feel like I cant take any more pain. I also feel kind of uprooted from my religion because I haven't been able to do the ceremonies in the way I used to do them...mostly because of space issues and I think that has made me feel very imbalanced. In some ways, I feel like I am become a great deal darker in my outlook towards life and the universe now...and I feel adrift without anything to anchor me. The worst part of it is that I have no one I can talk to about these things. I am always surrounded by people but none of them could relate to any of this or worse, it would make them feel bad or hurt in some way. I don't know what to do. Something needs to give though, I cant keep dealing with all of it inwardly.

2011-03-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of living in almost constant pain...even more I am SO tired of being sorry to everyone for being in pain. Its all too much sometimes...and there is no one who understands. There is no cure for migraine disorder. I have to figure out how to deal with all of it.

Moving and Saying Goodbye to Summer

2010-10-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

I am off tomorrow, and its my last chance to get the last things in boxes and ready for the final part of our move. We are all very excited about it...Bu keeps playing in the empty boxes hahaha. She has created a game, where she will hop into the box and then yowl if we aren't in the room...and then she pops out when we come running and attacks our legs lol. I can tell it thrills her when she surprises us lol.
Its never easy for me, to see the end of Summer...I dislike being cold a lot, so Summer is my favorite season. As Samhain approaches, I am focused on my loved ones who are in Spirit now...and I sense their presence in my life and in my heart. Its comforting, to know that we are still connected. We will be moving most of Friday and Saturday, so after we are done with moving our stuff, I will turn toward my Samhain ceremony and get prepared for our bonfire that we are having with Kit's parents this year...which will be awesome. I took some vacation time, so I will be off for the first week of November...to settle in and get things somewhat together. Hopefully I will also be able to post some new videos from the new place, which will be exciting. I have lots of ideas that are taking form. We are also reworking our budget, so hopefully we will both be able to save some money for the future...and focus on future goals in the coming year.
Kit carved a jack-o-lantern, even though its early lol we both get so excited about Samhain...its the most wonderful time of the year.
Blessings to all,
Alex )O(

Its October

2010-10-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I always get excited when it gets this close to Samhain...its one of our favorite holidays of the year. Its also exciting this year because we are moving to a new space...I keep talking to Bu and telling her about it so that she won't be afraid when it happens.
I had to miss work yesterday because of the migraine ugh. It was there when I woke up and just got worse and worse til I started puking. At that point, I couldn't see anything very well because of the visuals. It faded a bit after I slept, but it lingered all day long right til I went to bed. I feel a bit better today, so I will go in for my shift, but I still feel crappy from it.
One of the things I am currently working on is a revision of my BOS, just reworking some of the layout and some of the ceremonies...updating my correspondences etc. I am re-realizing how much I wish I was able to talk about things with people in my life...perhaps that's why people join covens, at least partially, so they don't become isolated with it all. It can be very lonely in many many ways.
Anyway, I hope October turns into a wonderful month and I hope this move goes well...I feel like it will :-)
Blessings,
Alex

Update

2010-08-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today, my tarot card was the Sun, which was nice since I am just getting over a cold ugh. I think it meant that today would be a day when I continue to heal from it. I had to work today, which wasnt exactley healing, but I could tell I was beginning to feel better...thankfully.
I am off tomorrow, and I plan on spending the day with Bu. Kit has to work for part of the day, but then he will be with us tomorrow evening. Its been over a week since we had a day off together. He works in retail as well...so our schedules are always changing. I mostly do closing shifts now, which has really helped me. Its much better than being jerked around, opening then closing, then a mid shift, then back to opening. Our manager there is amazing.
We are excited that Autumn is coming...even though, Summer is my favorite season...I still love the Autumn as well.
Hopefully I will be blogging here more now...things were so busy for us this summer. Its like they never slow down for a minute and there is never enough time to do everything I want to do.
Blessings,
Alex )O(

Updates

2010-03-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

We have been having lots of snow, which is typical of February, and it triggered a migraine which lasted off and on for over a week ugh. I had to use two sick days with work this month, but at least I had a dr on my side that I could turn to. This is the first month that I have been following the holistic and homeopathic routine that we came up with together...but February is usually a difficult month for me as far as migraines go. The migraine finally went away but now Kit and me both have colds. I am hoping I am at the end of mine. We are spending today together (the first day we have had off together in quite a while) and Kit went to the Library to get some movies for us.
Lots of changes are happening too...I am transferring to a new location with my job. Its the same company, but just a different store...change like that always makes me somewhat nervous, but I am hopeful that this change will be wonderful. Im very excited.
We just had a full moon too, which was exciting...I love the Esbats. I just wish I had felt better during this one so I could have celebrated it more fully.
Blessed Be,
Alex )O(

Migraine Disorder and My New Dr.

2010-02-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

I had a Dr appointment last monday, to see if there was anything he could do about my migraine disorder. He is not only a western dr, but he also practices homeopathy and he is very holistic. I havent seen a dr in years, but he seems great and I am very hopeful about the long term benefits of treatment with him. Yesterday, we had a huge amount of snow, and I had to call into work because it triggered a migraine attack...and for the first time, I had a dr to turn to.
Years ago, when I first started getting the migraines, I went to drs of course...and they ran all kinds of tests on me and then they turned me loose with a bottle of caffeine pills and the advice to "live a stress free life". Needless to say, that wasn't helpful to me at all. After that, when I turned to other drs, I encountered a great deal of homophobia and what I consider to be abuse...so eventually I stopped going to them. I guess I thought, why continue paying for mistreatment. Of course I also didnt have insurance for a very long time either, which didnt make it any easier to access proper medical treatment. Over time, I learned to isolate some of the triggers for the migraines on my own thru research and observation of the patterns during my migraine episodes. Sometimes, they can be so severe...people who dont get them will never know the suffering and pain involved...not only in the attacks, but in the ramifications of them too, in other areas of your life. Its difficult to make plans because you never know when you will have an attack, and then of course, people treat you in all kinds of strange ways, like you are weak or hysterical or something...its a nightmare.
So now, with my new dr, we are trying a holistic approach to begin with...I now take magnesium suppliments and standardized feverfew, and a homeopathic remedy called iris versicolor when I have an attack...and we are going to see how that goes. Like I said, I am very hopeful and its good to have a dr who is willing to treat me like a human being. He seems like a very compassionate man and my first impression is that he is someone who is a true healer.
Anyway, I will do updates here from time to time about whats going on in the course of my treatment. Wish me luck.
Blessed Be,
Alex )O(

Stop Animal Testing

2010-01-21T08:22:00.000-08:00

Me and Kit have been vegetarian since 2003 and not for any of the health benefits of vegetarianism, although they are many. We stopped eating animals because of our love for them and our disgust at the torture and brutality of the meat industry. At our Sabbat dinners we often try to create vegan meals...even though we aren't vegan, its nice to have a dinner that is completely devoid of cruelty to animals. Recently, we began purging some of our products that we use in our everyday lives that have been tested on animals and replacing them with products from companies that refuse to torture and test on animals. During this research, I have been SO disgusted at the amount of animal testing that goes on and how it permeates almost all industries and products...its crazy and disgusting. Anyway, at some point I will be promoting lists of products and companies that are striving to be responsible and cruelty free. I am also going to be writing letters to the companies that I am "divorcing" as a consumer and telling them why.

May all creatures live in peace and safety and may we treat all beings with compassion and respect. So mote it Be.

Blessed Be,
Alex )O(

2010-01-11T08:20:00.001-08:00

I am finally off for a day...and in a bit, I have to go grocery shopping and take care of some things while I have the chance.

Today I am thinking about all the people in my life that I love, that I rarely get the opportunity to spend time with because of my work schedule and how hectic our life is. Its rare that me and Kit have the same day off together unless we submit requests weeks in advance...so when it happens that we are off together, all I feel like doing is staying with him and spending time together. Some people in our lives, dont seem to understand how taxing that really is...which I dont understand. We have some very dear friends who really do seem to understand as well, which is awesome...but generally, people seem to expect that we somehow manifest time that isnt there lol. We have one friend, who lives in another city, who seems oblivious to the fact of our schedules and our hectic lives...and cant seem to make plans in advance with us so that we are able to schedule it, which makes it very difficult. I dont get what is difficult about making plans in advance.

A whole other aspect of this dilemma for me is the fact that I never know when I am going to have a migraine...so even if I do make plans with someone, I may have to cancel. I think people generally have little understanding of migraine disorder and think "oh just take an aspirin". I know that if people understood how debilitating and awful an attack is, they would be more compassionate about it...at least, I would hope so.

On a happier note lol later today when I am finished with errands, I am going to make the first video in my personal perspectives on Wicca series that I am doing on youtube...and I am excited about that. I think it will be lots of fun, and hopefully will create a dialogue in which much learning and exchange takes place. There are so many awesome people I have met on youtube since I began doing videos...its amazing.

Im also excited about Imbolc this year, I feel like there is a sense of Hope that is inherent in it that is really coming thru for me this year.

Blessed Be,
Alex )O(

Post Yuletide Reflections

2009-12-27T06:49:00.001-08:00

What a wonderful holiday that was...Kit and me had such a great time. We are so blessed to have each other and to share such incredible love.

I am planning on doing a video series on how I celebrate the Sabbats and Esbats and on my solitary and eclectic tradition of Wicca for YouTube...and I am excited about that. A lot of people have asked me about it so I thought it would be a great idea to just do a series about it, documenting and explaining how I do things. I think if we all share what we can, then perhaps we all will be edified and can grow from the sharing and interconnection...to me, interconnection is one of the basic insights of Goddess religion and NeoPagan religion generally.

Kit got a neat digital camera from his parents for the holiday and it takes really cool pictures, so we will probably go picture wild lol...I plan on posting lots of them in the coming months.

All in all, I am very excited about 2010 and I hope that it is a great year for all of us.

Blessed Be,
Alex

Blessed Yule )O(

2009-12-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

Its finally Yule morning, and Kit is still asleep...when he gets up we are going to open our Yule gifts and have breakfast. Later this afternoon we are going to make some Yule ornaments

Thinking about the Past

2009-12-15T14:56:00.000-08:00

I think I am almost done with my yule shopping...I just have a few more things to pick up and wrap. Kit and me went out for lunch and then we each went our own ways to continue buying gifts. I wish we lived in a world where we had more time in order to create our own gifts, and handcraft things...or even just have more time together. Working in retail doesnt leave a whole lot of time (or energy) for us in our personal lives...and it certainly doesnt pay much in return for the demands they make on us and our lives. Hopefully I will be able to find something better someday, perhaps in the new year.

I hardly ever talk about my mother, she passed away in 2003...but I think about her all the time. We were very close, and especially at times of the year like this, I find myself thinking about all the holidays we had together, when I was little, and when she was getting older...it makes me so sad sometimes because I miss her. I miss my father too. I suppose I never really talk about it because I dont want to depress people around me or have them give me sympathy. I am grateful for the time we had together though, and we did such wonderful things together for so many many years...Im glad I took the time to spend with her and be close with her while she was here.

I also miss my first familiar, Baby...she was such an awesome and beautiful soul...and we loved each other so much. Its rare that I focus on the past like this...but sometimes at the holidays I cant seem to help it. Baby used to hop up on my shoulders and stay there for hours and kiss my face. She was so sweet.

So here's how I approach things like this...I appreciate the time we had together with those who have crossed over...and I try to make the most of the time that I have with those who are still with me, those I love...which are really very few. Kit is the most important person in the world to me and I love him with all my heart. And our Bu, our familiar, is so wonderful. I am really very blessed...and Kit's parents are so great and have accepted me and really love me...which isnt always the case when you are gay and with someone...often their family doesnt like you because they blame you...which is ridiculous.

Anyway...on with the holiday season...and I hope this one is the best one ever for all of us.

Blessed Be,
Alex )O(

Intentions

2009-12-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about creating a blog for a while now, and I felt like today would be a good day to get started. I have lots of different ideas about what I want to write about here, but mostly it will be a blog that I use to clarify my own thoughts and intentions...a place where I can write freely about anything I am thinking about and perhaps get feedback from others. The process can be helpful in self knowledge I believe, and I also feel that we learn from each other, from our reactions and feelings and thoughts that we share with each other. I am going to try not to censor myself in expressing my inner world here...my intention is to make my outer expressions in the world match as closely as possible to what I find within myself...So, we will see where this leads and take it from there.
Blessed Be,
Alex )O(